Just a Matter of Days Now…

Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother

Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother

Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother Maternity photography on Vashon Island in Washington State on Lavender Hill Farm. Maternity photos with mom and baby's big brother

Dress: ASOS, similar here and non-maternity here // Julain’s Shirt: Gap, Shorts: Zara sold out

It’s just a matter of days now before we get to meet our sweet baby girl. I have been feeling excited and anxious all at the same time. I cannot wait to meet our baby and hold her in my arms. I imagine her to look like Julian, who at birth looked just like Jeff. I must say, part of me is a little nervous about having a one year old and a newborn! Any advice from you two-under-two mamas? I need all the tips I can get! Here are some fun tidbits about my pregnancy that I’ve never shared before!

How I discovered I was pregnant: It was just a week before Christmas and I went to Seattle to meet one of my best friend’s for a fun girls day. Jesse and I grew up together and now both have babies the same age. We started talking about how we were both feeling so bloated and sluggish after way too many holiday treats. Then we started talking about when we may try for baby number 2. After saying goodbye to Jess I walked back to the ferry boat thinking about our conversations. On a whim I bought a pregnancy test before hopping on the ferry. I took the test on the ferry ride home (so glam) and sure enough, it was POSITIVE! The best part is that Jesse took a test the very next day (not knowing about mine yet) and hers was positive too!

Who knew first: I called my sister that day to tell her the news! I wanted to surprise Jeff in a fun way, so I need my sis by my side to help craft a plan! Jesse knew right away, as well as our dear friend Ashley, who also discovered she was pregnant just days later! We could not have planned that if we tried!

How I told Jeff: On the morning of Christmas Eve I had Jeff open a very special Christmas present. I wrapped up 4 beautiful red Christmas ornaments with hand painted gold calligraphy reading; Jeff, Heidi, Jules and Baby. Jeff was so excited and shocked and over the moon all at the same time! We told the rest of our families then next day. Best Christmas ever.

How I felt: For the majority of the pregnancy I felt miserable. I’ve spoken candidly about that here and here. But as the end nears I feel healthy and excited. Albeit very tired and enormous.

What I craved: Carbs! Pizza, mac & cheese, lasagna! Also, fresh fruits like watermelon and strawberries. Any vegetable I saw would make me nauseous. If I could eat Molly Moon’s Salted Caramel ice cream daily, I would.

Greatest fear: This may sound silly, but I am just uncertain about what it will be like to have a baby that is not Julian. Jules and I get along like two peas in a pod. He’s truly my buddy. So I have a hard time imaging what it will be like to parent a baby that isn’t Jules. I keep saying things like “oh I hope she’s like her brother!” But of course she will have her own unique personality to bring to our family. One that deep down I know I will love. Even if she’s the exact opposite of her brother! I remember having the same fear of the unknown before delivering my Julian, and now he has my whole heart.

Greatest joy: Few things compare to that initial ultrasound when you fear baby’s heartbeat for the first time! But I will say, that as she’s grown, I have come to love her powerful kicks inside my belly. She throws me some zingers that can take my breath away! I am growing a strong girly in this belly of mine.

I am still on cloud nine over these maternity photos by the incredible Taylor Catherine Photography. We shot just before the sun went down on beautiful Vashon Island. The scent of this lavender field was out of this world!

Jeff and I both feel so blessed to be our baby girl’s parents. And she is the luckiest girl in the world to have Julian as her big brother. Just a matter of days now girly.

xx,

Heidi

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From the Heart

Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood.

Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood.

Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. Beach maternity photoshoot, maternity photos by the water, white off the shoulder maternity gown, photography on beautiful Bainbridge Island Washington in the Pacific Northwest. Sharing honest struggles about pregnancy illness and battling hyperemesis gravidarum in pregnancy from vomiting to depression in pregnancy. Seeing the beauty in motherhood. (Dress: Etsy; Custom Hair Piece: The Botanist Co; Photography by Janet Lin Photography)

When my dear friend and photographer Janet and I set out to do this photoshoot, I was already eager to share the photos with you all! I was thinking to myself how I would tell you all about how this is the perfect dress for a maternity shoot (true) and how wonderful and easy Janet is to work with (absolutely true)! And about how I was so excited to finally do a beach shoot on beautiful Bainbridge Island (true again)! But when Janet sent me photos I became overwhelmed by something else, and I wanted to share that with you instead. I felt overwhelmed with guilt.

Let me explain. During my pregnancy, I have battled hyperemesis gravidarum and have spoken candidly about how that has effected my life. From the non-strop vomiting, and all the way into an anti-nausea medication induced depression. After I had Julian and I looked back on my pregnancy, I would think to myself, “well of course you didn’t really enjoy it! You were miserable!” But in the moment, being pregnant, it is so hard to offer myself that same kind of grace. So, what do I feel, but guilt. Guilt for not loving and embracing pregnancy.  Guilt, for the days that I despised it.

I look at these photos and I feel like I can see myself in a different light. I can see the beauty of pregnancy. The miracle of it. The edges have been smoothed. And I feel guilt for not seeing it sooner.

That is so hard for me to say. I do not by any means want to seem ungrateful for the daughter that is growing inside of me. I am very aware that pregnancy loss and infertility are something that many women struggle with. Women I know personally and those I do not know. Even my dear friend Janet has experienced great loss as a mother and written beautifully about it. And so, the guilt over not loving pregnancy keeps piling on.

I am blessed beyond measure for my daughter. And I need to come to terms with the fact that pregnancy is not easy for me. That yes, on somedays I cried to my husband that I couldn’t do it anymore. That I wanted my old life back. And the worst, that I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. I have tears in my eyes as I type that because it breaks my heart to confess how dark things were for me. But it is the truth.

Offering yourself grace is not always simple. And I think we as women struggle with it particularly. So, I am vowing to see myself and my pregnancy differently. I am choosing to see myself and my experience through a different lens, and to embrace it from here on out. Even if that’s just a few more weeks. I’m choosing to embrace it for the joy and the miracle that it is. But, I am also choosing to accept the darkness of those first 6 months. And to not feel the guilt and weight of them any longer.

Moms, you don’t have to love pregnancy.  You don’t even have to like it to still be grateful and appreciative of its gifts. But you don’t have to feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Feel what you feel, and remember that, like most things, this too shall pass. Sending love and grace to all.

xx,

Heidi

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